Jeff recently speculated that it's human nature to want to give a sufficient reason for breaking up with someone.  Usually in our quest we only succeed in insufficiency.  In simpler terms, the "reasons" are usually terrible--sad excuses in sheep's clothing that hide the true reason: I just don't want to be with you anymore.

The worst one I've ever heard is not the title of this blog (because everyone knows by now how crap that is), but the doozy, "I just don't love you as much as you love me, and you deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them."  This line is both irritating (because I've been fed it before) and sad, and I'm going to pick it apart for everyone's enjoyment.

First, the irritating.  This line suggests that its deliverer knows what's best for the recipient, to which I say in my most annoyed of all tones, "Oh THANK YOU so much for making this decision for me.  You know, my inferior, more emotional mind just would've collapsed under all that pressure!"  If I believed that my partner didn't love me enough, or if I thought it was a huge problem, wouldn't I be the one giving the breakup speech? In a way, it's saying, "If you loved me a little bit less then things would be ok," although I think we all can agree no one wants that. 

It also suggests that the deliverer has found a way to quantify or operationalize love and that he or she has discovered that relationships simply won't work if there is a disparity between the two parties in, let's say, their "love number."  It seems that there might be some confusion about reciprocity's role in romantic relationships.  If reciprocity is the primary goal, you will eventually discover that you are either getting short-changed or are the one not giving enough.  There is no way this outlook can result in a happy relationship.

Now, the sad.  This line betrays the deliverer's lack of love for him- or herself.  They do not love themselves enough to believe that they should accept such a wonderful gift.  They know they do not deserve it, and therefore reject it.  Colby once told me that people in this state tend to think poorly of the judgment of those that love them or think highly of them, because how could you love someone who was so NOT worth it?  Therefore they reject the person who thinks just the opposite, that they are worth the trouble.

I have heard this line used by people who are on the path to marriage who suddenly seem to figure out that it's a huge, frightening decision.  It is the biggest decision you can make, which is probably why so many more people are simply cohabiting forever and ever instead of moving forward.  But in the Christian community, that option is frowned upon while the pressure to marry increases.

A comforting thought is this: We do not deserve God's love.  There is nothing we can do, nothing at all, to be good enough in God's eyes and He loves us anyway.  You may not always love your partner quite as much as they love you (or vice versa)--and while human love (unlike God's) is conditional--let those times make your marriage a reflection of God's love for us.  That, yes, someone loves me anyway despite my failings, despite the fact that I screwed up now and will undoubtedly screw up later.

Finding myself lousy with free time recently (thanks to a particularly resistant youth refusing to even see me), I started seeking out projects.  A new friend, Luke, suggested I make a knitted/crocheted version of a character in one of his comics, The Orca.  We discussed logistics for awhile and I eventually agreed to make an attempt.  It was my first big challenge since I didn't have any patterns to work with and was forced to make my own.  With a little math and some advice from Mom, I worked it out, and was able to complete it in a total of 2-3 hours (not counting sewing on the teeth, which took longer because I was watching a movie at the same time).



The eyebrows are felt on velcro, so you can change his expression.  Luke seemed to get a real kick out of him, and our little assembly started thinking up a bunch of different things that could be made as part of the orca franchise.  An orca beer cozy, a bottle opener in his mouth, mostly alcohol related.

Then I got a suggestion from Sarah to knit a cake, which is currently underway.  It's bright orange, and I think the "icing" will be white on all three layers.  On deck is a new beanie for Oliver, since his giant head is only getting bigger.  Warm gifts for a couple friends, maybe more little toys for the babies in my life (like the little panda bear for Madison).  I think I might like to make little crocheted foods for a tea party set as the girls get a little older.

I will take challenges and commissions.

I have this wacky tradition of getting a little depressed the week before my birthday.  Since the weather is typically gray and gloomy this time of year, it's no real surprise that even if everything else is fine in my life I feel blue; that the nature of Seasonal Affective Disorder, if I even have it.

Going back through old blog entries, sadness is the common thread which is amplified if I happened to be single (I'll take rough patches over no patch at all any day).  When I realized that was probably the root cause, I started calling it Seasonal Loneliness.  Plus, I wanted to move away from using it as an invitation to my pity party when people asked how I was doing.  I think this year is going to be better, though, since I've been ten times more depressed in the past two months than I've ever been around my birthday so a little seasonal thing will seem pleasant in comparison.

For my enjoyment, I'm going to briefly run down the birthdays of 20-Something Past.

2004:  Turned 20. I was single but I had a trip to Colorado to look forward to, plus I was in a play and having a fun time of it.

2005:  Turned 21. This was an exciting birthday for a couple reasons. I finally got to go to bars with friends, but I hated the taste of alcohol for awhile.  It took me forever to choke down my first ever glass of Riesling (now my favorite kind of wine), so I mostly sat and posed with the glass.  I think I might have complained about being sad for no good reason and that Erick had tried to do something about it (read: shine a bright light on my face and make ocean sounds).  It cheered me up.

2006:  Turned 22.  I can't remember being glum because I had a huge party to plan for Jeff and me.  I made all the food and everyone got a different costume hat as their party favor.  People could hang out in the living room listening to music or play Guitar Hero in the tv room.  It was a good time, and I realized that I love to throw parties.  If only I could afford to.

2007: Turned 23.  This was a very blue birthday/year.  Fortunately Andrea took it upon herself to plan something for me.  Dinner at Lucky Noodle and dessert at Sweet Life.  I was single and really didn't want to be, but I was so happy to have so many friends show up for me.  Plus, I got some nice presents (Sam, my Christmas cactus is still alive and kicking!)

2008:  Turned 24.  I was feeling pretty mopey in the days before my birthday this year.  I wanted to plan a fun party for everyone I was going to invite, but wasn't sure I could pull it off.  Paul might remember me half-heartedly working out a menu with him in the computer lab, sighing a lot and saying, "I don't know."  The whole day ended up a being good time.  A hike up Spencer's Butte with Paul, Jev, and Joe got things started, and at the top Joe produced a couple PBRs which went straight to our heads.  Then, we semi-frantically began cooking for the proper party.  I got a little drunk, made people wear togas, watched one of the Star Wars movies and then had an impromptu dance party--because when I'm a little drunk I want to dance.

2009:  I'll be 25 this year, and my  birthday falls on a Saturday.  I'm not sure what's going to go down or where, or if I want to plan anything big.  It almost never falls on a Saturday, so that alone is enough to get me excited.  Feel free to give me any suggestions.  If only Dan, Joe and Ruth could be there...