The Lonely Blog

Two Unrelated Things

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 08:59:25 GMT

First thing: I've noticed a way in which American culture is kind of like Japanese culture, or at least seems like it's trying to be like Japanese culture yet is missing the mark completely. When you make an appointment in Japan (or attempt to), and the date and time is completely inconvenient, the inconvenienced party will say, "chotto" which sums up the sentiement, "That's a little inconvenient for me." It's a way to say no without saying no and maintaining a high level of politeness.

In the U.S., we try to soften the blows of confrontational comments by assuring the other person that it's no big deal. If it's no big deal, then you shouldn't have to explain as such. At a coffee shop on Wednesday, just after I had ordered a mocha, a woman came rushing in and told the barista that her mocha was the worst mocha she had ever tasted.

"It's like milk water. It's really bad." The barista apologized profusely, and asked her if he could make another for her, or if she wanted a refund. She said, multiple times, "No no, it's ok, really. It's just really bad." She insisted that he taste it so he could know and remember how bad it was. I had averted my eyes before this point so I can't say whether he did or not. Every time he apologized, she would assure him that it was ok, and follow up with how gross she thought his coffee was. Is, "It's ok" the new "I accept your apology"?

Second thing: For funzies, I hopped back on the site Okcupid.com. It lives up to its name and is delivering the mediocre goods as far as the opposite sex is concerned. It's been mostly for my sick amusement at seeing how many guys electronically trip over themselves to get to know me, and even more amusing how some of them present themselves. One fellow has sent two messages, both winners.

From sweetguy1087 on December 16th, 2009:

hi, i like to induce myself, my name darron i'm 28 yr old have 3 kids, which one live with me, like spin time with my kids, love to listen to music, and i like to have fun, well if your interested to get know one another, message me back, i real like to here back from you

Four days later:

hi
well i came cross your profile, and real caught my eye, i was wondering if like to get know one another, if interested message me back, hope to here from soon

This man allegedly speaks English and graduated from high school. I real don't think I message him back.

Re: Your Crap

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 07:26:42 GMT

I like my job. I like it a lot. It's the second job that I've ever had and God willing not the last. My first job, at Craft Warehouse, changed me. It made me bitter and resentful toward the holidays and anyone who might dare to ruin my day by shopping on them. In the past couple years since I quit that scene, those negative feelings have faded significantly.

My current job as a mentor is changing me. Colby warned me about these changes, so I wasn't surprised when I finally noticed them happening so much as I was surprised that I was noticing them at all. Sometimes I'm slow to pick up on the subtle things. If any of my friends have noticed a change in me, it might be described as abrasive.

Let's take a brief look at what I do when I'm at work. I am spending hours on end with a young individual who, if in a bad mood, may be engaging in irritating tactics to try and get their way, whatever that might be. It is my job thwart these tactics by identifying them (usually implicitly) and refusing to accept them as an appropriate means of dealing with one's problems.

These tactics are employed by regular people, too. Adults, even. Sometimes they are more sophisticated but rarely are they less annoying. When I'm on the clock, I calmly and rationally explain to a youth that what they're doing is unacceptable. When I'm interacting with a peer, I reduce the fraction, so to speak.

The most recent example was me calling a young man out for texting throughout the duration of a group gathering. We were watching a movie, and I asked him if he was going to join us at any point. When that didn't stop the behavior and the nature of the relationship with the girl on the receiving end of the texts took on a Jr. High tone, I asked him how old he was. I don't think he got my meaning because he answered, "Nineteen." If it wasn't already time for me to go, I would have begun to lecture him on how this was a terrible precedent to create with his potential girlfriend.

My responses to any future crap I might encounter will usually be in the form of a question. "So you think that was an acceptable reason for being late and disappointing your friends?"* "So what you're saying is that you don't value our friendship enough to make an effort?" And so on.

This ties in with my new thirst for accountability, and while I understand that accountability is a two-way street, I think I'm going to go ahead and call folks out any dang way.

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* - Just an example, not an actual grievance.

On this day...

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 08:05:02 GMT

Happy Birthday to me.

Baby Flowchart

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 05:26:19 GMT

Here's a flowchart Jeff and I worked out while watching his 7-month-old son explore the living room.

Perhaps funnier incarnations will appear down the road.

Another poem

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:11:21 GMT

This is probably the best thing I will ever write.

I need not the light to find your lips,
Nor smell or taste or fingertips,
But memory alone of your sweet face
Will lead my own to that cherished place.

It's not you, it's me

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:35:25 GMT

Jeff recently speculated that it's human nature to want to give a sufficient reason for breaking up with someone. Usually in our quest we only succeed in insufficiency. In simpler terms, the "reasons" are usually terrible--sad excuses in sheep's clothing that hide the true reason: I just don't want to be with you anymore.

The worst one I've ever heard is not the title of this blog (because everyone knows by now how crap that is), but the doozy, "I just don't love you as much as you love me, and you deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them." This line is both irritating (because I've been fed it before) and sad, and I'm going to pick it apart for everyone's enjoyment.

First, the irritating. This line suggests that its deliverer knows what's best for the recipient, to which I say in my most annoyed of all tones, "Oh THANK YOU so much for making this decision for me. You know, my inferior, more emotional mind just would've collapsed under all that pressure!" If I believed that my partner didn't love me enough, or if I thought it was a huge problem, wouldn't I be the one giving the breakup speech? In a way, it's saying, "If you loved me a little bit less then things would be ok," although I think we all can agree no one wants that.

It also suggests that the deliverer has found a way to quantify or operationalize love and that he or she has discovered that relationships simply won't work if there is a disparity between the two parties in, let's say, their "love number." It seems that there might be some confusion about reciprocity's role in romantic relationships. If reciprocity is the primary goal, you will eventually discover that you are either getting short-changed or are the one not giving enough. There is no way this outlook can result in a happy relationship.

Now, the sad. This line betrays the deliverer's lack of love for him- or herself. They do not love themselves enough to believe that they should accept such a wonderful gift. They know they do not deserve it, and therefore reject it. Colby once told me that people in this state tend to think poorly of the judgment of those that love them or think highly of them, because how could you love someone who was so NOT worth it? Therefore they reject the person who thinks just the opposite, that they are worth the trouble.

I have heard this line used by people who are on the path to marriage who suddenly seem to figure out that it's a huge, frightening decision. It is the biggest decision you can make, which is probably why so many more people are simply cohabiting forever and ever instead of moving forward. But in the Christian community, that option is frowned upon while the pressure to marry increases.

A comforting thought is this: We do not deserve God's love. There is nothing we can do, nothing at all, to be good enough in God's eyes and He loves us anyway. You may not always love your partner quite as much as they love you (or vice versa)--and while human love (unlike God's) is conditional--let those times make your marriage a reflection of God's love for us. That, yes, someone loves me anyway despite my failings, despite the fact that I screwed up now and will undoubtedly screw up later.

Projects!!

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:02:27 GMT

Finding myself lousy with free time recently (thanks to a particularly resistant youth refusing to even see me), I started seeking out projects. A new friend, Luke, suggested I make a knitted/crocheted version of a character in one of his comics, The Orca. We discussed logistics for awhile and I eventually agreed to make an attempt. It was my first big challenge since I didn't have any patterns to work with and was forced to make my own. With a little math and some advice from Mom, I worked it out, and was able to complete it in a total of 2-3 hours (not counting sewing on the teeth, which took longer because I was watching a movie at the same time).

The eyebrows are felt on velcro, so you can change his expression. Luke seemed to get a real kick out of him, and our little assembly started thinking up a bunch of different things that could be made as part of the orca franchise. An orca beer cozy, a bottle opener in his mouth, mostly alcohol related.

Then I got a suggestion from Sarah to knit a cake, which is currently underway. It's bright orange, and I think the "icing" will be white on all three layers. On deck is a new beanie for Oliver, since his giant head is only getting bigger. Warm gifts for a couple friends, maybe more little toys for the babies in my life (like the little panda bear for Madison). I think I might like to make little crocheted foods for a tea party set as the girls get a little older.

I will take challenges and commissions.

Birthdays

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:05:06 GMT

I have this wacky tradition of getting a little depressed the week before my birthday. Since the weather is typically gray and gloomy this time of year, it's no real surprise that even if everything else is fine in my life I feel blue; that the nature of Seasonal Affective Disorder, if I even have it.

Going back through old blog entries, sadness is the common thread which is amplified if I happened to be single (I'll take rough patches over no patch at all any day). When I realized that was probably the root cause, I started calling it Seasonal Loneliness. Plus, I wanted to move away from using it as an invitation to my pity party when people asked how I was doing. I think this year is going to be better, though, since I've been ten times more depressed in the past two months than I've ever been around my birthday so a little seasonal thing will seem pleasant in comparison.

For my enjoyment, I'm going to briefly run down the birthdays of 20-Something Past.

2004: Turned 20. I was single but I had a trip to Colorado to look forward to, plus I was in a play and having a fun time of it.

2005: Turned 21. This was an exciting birthday for a couple reasons. I finally got to go to bars with friends, but I hated the taste of alcohol for awhile. It took me forever to choke down my first ever glass of Riesling (now my favorite kind of wine), so I mostly sat and posed with the glass. I think I might have complained about being sad for no good reason and that Erick had tried to do something about it (read: shine a bright light on my face and make ocean sounds). It cheered me up.

2006: Turned 22. I can't remember being glum because I had a huge party to plan for Jeff and me. I made all the food and everyone got a different costume hat as their party favor. People could hang out in the living room listening to music or play Guitar Hero in the tv room. It was a good time, and I realized that I love to throw parties. If only I could afford to.

2007: Turned 23. This was a very blue birthday/year. Fortunately Andrea took it upon herself to plan something for me. Dinner at Lucky Noodle and dessert at Sweet Life. I was single and really didn't want to be, but I was so happy to have so many friends show up for me. Plus, I got some nice presents (Sam, my Christmas cactus is still alive and kicking!)

2008: Turned 24. I was feeling pretty mopey in the days before my birthday this year. I wanted to plan a fun party for everyone I was going to invite, but wasn't sure I could pull it off. Paul might remember me half-heartedly working out a menu with him in the computer lab, sighing a lot and saying, "I don't know." The whole day ended up a being good time. A hike up Spencer's Butte with Paul, Jev, and Joe got things started, and at the top Joe produced a couple PBRs which went straight to our heads. Then, we semi-frantically began cooking for the proper party. I got a little drunk, made people wear togas, watched one of the Star Wars movies and then had an impromptu dance party--because when I'm a little drunk I want to dance.

2009: I'll be 25 this year, and my birthday falls on a Saturday. I'm not sure what's going to go down or where, or if I want to plan anything big. It almost never falls on a Saturday, so that alone is enough to get me excited. Feel free to give me any suggestions. If only Dan, Joe and Ruth could be there...

Cat Food

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:26:09 GMT

After reading Omnivore's Dilemma awhile back, I have been scrutinizing the diets of domestic and farm animals whenever the subject arises. Michael Pollan, the author of the aforementioned book, discusses in depth how we are feeding animals an unnatural diet in order to make them bigger, fatter, and in a hurry. "Unnatural" here refers to one of the basic definitions of the term: Contrived or constrained; artificial. Is your beef corn fed? It shouldn't be. Cows, Pollan argues (and after no small amount of research on his part), are suited, built, designed, etc. to eat and digest grass. For poultry, it's a combination of grass and bugs, yet we feed these corn as well and dupe people by saying, "At least it's an organic diet!"

I'm not here to talk about this, though. Just read his book; it's very good.

Often I see a commercial for dog or cat food that is similarly duping people into buying it. They lure us in with the real chunks of chicken or tuna, and then seal the deal with a few whole grains. Because humans recognize this as a balanced diet (albeit, FOR HUMANS), many assume it is for our pets as well. I promise you that if you plop down a selection of foods before a cat--meat, rice, corn, soybeans--the cat will dive into the meet and maybe lick at the others before deciding not to eat them. Dogs, at least the ones I know, will eat everything you put in front of them, except for medication. Those, of course, always wind up suspiciously untouched at the bottom of the bowl.

My real gripe here is with the bizarre "flavor" combinations cat food companies devise. The worst, most gag-inducing one we feed my cat is "Flakes of tuna & egg bits." Let it be known that the egg bits aren't even technically egg, and the finished product looks like a product my cat just finished vomiting onto the floor.

Craigslist and the Creeper

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 05:21:41 GMT

I am moderately addicted to Craigslist and have been since the Great Apartment Search of '08. My current search for an apartment is on hold, since I currently make enough money to pay rent on my storage unit, and nothing else. The free listings and missed connections are the ones I check twice a day (at least), and while I'm not really looking for anything in either, I do find a gem on occasion.

From the Free section:

The pervasive spelling errors really sell it!

An exchange amongst the Missed Connections. This is one reason I would never post one; I do not want to be lumped together with a woman like this:

He seems like quite the catch!

And finally, an open letter to the guy from the coffee shop:

Dear Guy,

I want you to know that I am very flattered by your attention to me, but you need to do more than simply acknowledge that you are socially awkward. You need to practice being less so. When we talked that first time, you admitted to as much and proceeded to look at me like you were starving and about to eat me. It made me uncomfortable, and I was sure to tell most of my friends about it. Now I'm blogging about it, so that covers some more friends as well as some strangers.

The second time we saw each other, you talked to me like we were old friends, expressing great disappointment that I was leaving as you were arriving and even saying as much as, "but I hardly got to see you!" in a whiny attempt to get me to stay. Please allow me to apologize for my behavior. I forgot it was Thursday, your usual day; if I had known it was Thursday I wouldn't have gone. Sorry about that.

Here are some quick tips to determine whether a girl is interested in you. After you introduce yourself by making her take out her earbuds and turn away from her laptop, if she puts her earbuds back in instead of accepting your offer to continue the conversation, she's not into you, and probably didn't want to talk to anyone in the first place. If, on the second meeting, she's with a friend and doesn't stop to talk to you, she probably wasn't there to see you. If she stops going to that coffee shop altogether, congratulations! You made her so uncomfortable her regular haunt and one place of reliable stability is ruined forever.

While the traditional sentiment states, "It's nothing personal," it really is, and I hope you take it personally. No really, Guy, take it to heart. If you change this particular set of behaviors, girls may not be creeped out by your over-eager, pushy presence and intense gaze!

Best of luck,

Emily